


Ikari-kun's Angel Maid

by spicy



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, 小林さんちのメイドラゴン | Kobayashi-san Chi no Maid Dragon | Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack Crossover, Drabble, Fluff and Humor, M/M, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-31 01:16:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10888797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicy/pseuds/spicy
Summary: A drabble in which Kaworu unexpectedly visits Shinji. Inspired by Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid.





	Ikari-kun's Angel Maid

_Ten years after the last angel attack, Shinji Ikari had retired from his piloting. About three thousand therapy sessions and a complimentary 3-month expenditure in Tibetan Buddhist shrine had made Shinji almost forget the traumatic and extremely unusual events during those few months of 2015.  He finally managed to take on the second job in his lifetime as a salaryman at the ripe age of 24. Shinji felt that he could finally honestly say that the past was behind him._

 

//

 

Shinji sluggishly opened his front door. The morning sun may aid in the metabolism of the caffeine, he thought to himself. Two gleaming red orbs met his sunken eyes from mere inches aways.

“Oh, is the mail-man early?”  
“Shinji-kun!”

A blast of air burst through the doorway, nearly knocking Shinji to his feet as he desperately cradled his coffee close to his body like a newborn child. He started screaming like a little girl and stuttering a plethora of incoherent mumblings when a feather smacked right between his eyebrows. His precious coffee was splattered all about his pink shower-robe as the gust picked up and he inadvertently flashed the monster on his porch. He hid his fear beneath his forearms, crossing them tightly around his head and bracing himself for his untimely death. When the wind stopped, he lowered his arms, tears bursting from his eyes as he kneeled down to thank God that the creature had been moved by his display of patheticness and spared him. Then he heard a soft stuttering and cry.

“Shinji-kun? Are you alright? Did I scare you? Are you dead? Oh, my gracious!. I forgot that Lilins are so fragile. My poor boy, do not rise to the heavens with regret, for if anything you have accomplished this: my life is meaningful because of you.”

Shinji screamed.

“I do not understand your strange Lilin greetings, but I will assimilate into your primitive culture if that will ease your anxiety, Shinji Ikari-kun.”

The creature took a deep breathe.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaa.” It was...totally flat.

Shinji’s voice cracked and his chest beated furiously in effort to catch his breathe. Through his desperation and his plummeting resources of adrenaline, his dry throat managed to break the words,  
“Just kill me so that I can wake up and go take a wizz.”

He rolled over to the side and faced his Nyquil-induced nightmare fuel. Without any fight left, he spread his arms out and accepted his fate. His eyes cracked open.

A boy was standing over with his feet rested on either side of him.  
Dressed for the Garden of Eve. That is to say: stark naked.  
The angel-boy’s Lance of Longinus was swaying in the soft breeze as his unnecessarily extravagant wings folded behind his back. Not before sparkling in the dazzling rays of light hitting his back and emphasizing how his supernatural wings may be likened to virgin snow marking the beginning of a peaceful winter- in their bright white color and the inexplicable fluffiness of the feathers falling from the subtle fluttering of the angel’s stand of perfect innocence.

“Is that you, Jesus? Did I die in my sleep? Are you taking me to heaven? Please, send me immediately to my 4th grade hamster, Mr. Nibbles. I must confess to him my grave sin of entrusting him to my incompetent parents during YMCA camp so I may enter the gates of Guf and rightfully accept your holy love and forgiveness. Also the crucifixion thing was was totally uncool of us, sorry.”

“Shinji-kun…”

Shinji heard the trumpets of heaven as the angel bend down on one knee and grasped his hand ever so gently from the floor.

“Shinji-kun, I have sworn myself to your side, now until my death. Please accept my servitude as your companion and maid in unrelentless loyalty and graciousness.”

The angel raised Shinji’s hands to his lips to bestow upon his wrist a peck of submission.

“Eh?”

 

//

 

"No, don't tell me what you like."

"Why not?"

"Many of my friends were killed by things they like." (i.e. cute Evangelions)

Kaworu put his hands on the desk and stood up. "But I'll tell you this one thing! I love you."

Shinji looked annoyed. "Are you planning to make me crazy too?"

Kaworu whinced, "No! Not that way! I mean sexually!"

“You want to to rape my mind?”

“I want your penis in my mouth. Please be my wife.”

Shinji's body twerked to the side and his left cheeksmacked on the wooden floor. "Boys don't love boys.”


End file.
